|Novels 1, 2, 3
Terms and Conditions
Your obligations to Foxglove
You must not share your password or username with anyone.
You must not use the service in a way which is likely to cause interruption or damage.
You must not use the service to transmit material which is offensive, abusive, indecent, defamatory or obscene.
You fully indemnify Foxglove against all legal proceedings and liabilities of any kind.
You may not use the service for spamming or sending junk e-mail.
You hereby consent to your data being made available to third parties who may spam you and send you junk e-mail.
Your personal details, including credit card number, may also be made available to hackers who occasionally breach our security system.
You consent to your credit card being charged by the company for any charges it may wish to impose. You further accept that notification of changes in charges and company rules will be sent to an email address that you never use, and that this fulfils our legal obligation of notification.
You will not act surprised when your credit card is charged in twelve month's time for continuation of the service, even though your thought it was free and in any case it's so poor that you abandoned it within a week of registering. You undertake to pay this yearly renewal fee for life. If you die prematurely this contract passes to your closest living relative. Failure to pay will result in the forfeiture of your first-born son, who may be shipped out to an exotic country and sold into slavery in order for us to recover the money due.
You accept that every six months the company will change its dial-in number and will notify you by slipping the new number into a Web page hidden away in our technical support area.
You will not swear or make derogatory remarks about the company upon repeatedly hearing an engaged tone.
You accept that any material mounted on your free Web space may be the subject of derisory remarks within Foxglove and much laughter, and will inevitably be removed by accident on a regular basis. You accept that you have no rights whatsoever in this matter and shouldn't waste our valuable time by complaining.
You accept that your free Web site will operate on a restricted bandwidth and download at the speed of a dripping tap. You agree not to reveal your site address to other people thereby causing them annoyance as they waste ten minutes waiting for the first page to appear.
You accept that the URL of your site will include a tilde symbol (~), making it inaccessible to most search engines and difficult for owners of older Macs to type in.
You accept that Foxglove has the right to remove or alter
any material on your Web site which it disagrees with or believes anybody in the
entire world disagrees with. You agree that any complaint received by us about
your personal site, however spurious, will result in its immediate removal. This
is much cheaper for us than consulting a lawyer.
You accept that our technical support staff will use a condescending tone when dealing with your problems, even though they are poorly trained and probably don't know the answers to your questions. You agree to pay a premium rate for this service.
You agree that if you cancel your account by email we will not acknowledge receipt and will claim that we never received your mail. Since we're your ISP, we'll be able to prove that you never sent it.
You understand and accept that we will monitor your email and log all your Internet activity including the URLs of all the sites you visit. These details will be available to the police, hackers who occasionally breach our security system, and for sale to the highest bidder. We have to make money somehow.
You agree not to discuss with third parties the pathetically inadequate nature of our start-up CD software and the fact that it overwrites all your existing Internet software and virtually dominates your computer. Although we wrote the software and supplied it to you, we accept absolutely no responsibility for it whatsoever and in legal terms it may as well have arrived on a spacecraft from Mars.
And don't start mumbling about statuary rights because
the software is free and you don't have any.
You agree never to wear clothing of any kind when using our
service, apart from fluffy pink bedroom slippers (obligatory). Please do allow
your nipples to brush against the keyboard from time to time, and mail us to say
how it feels.
Our obligations to you